Warning on a Person

WARNING: This person contains a hair-trigger temper and should be handled with care. Do not unnerve by means of dirty looks, shallow-mindedness, b.o., b.s., mullet hairdos, social ineptitude, pathological one-upmanship, use of the word pejorative, pec flexing, or attachment of extremities to jumper cables.

FLAMMABLE: Not to be held over a forest fire.

FRAGILE: Not to be wrapped in duct tape and beaten to death with a knee sock full of British pounds. Not for use as a watercraft. Avoid excessive exposure to sunlight, nuclear waste, political machines, solitude, country music, and postmodern novels over 500 pages long. Do not spit on. Do not sniff or lick and if you do sniff or lick, do not wince at and complain about the smell or taste. Treat with extreme suspicion and do not trust. At the same time, do not hate: this person will know if you hate him. Keep out of reach of children, pregnant women, manic depressives, octogenarians, strippers, conspiracy theorists, Nazis, schizophrenics, tax collectors, and persons that have warnings like this one tattooed onto their forehead. The maximum recommended dosage of this person for a healthy adult is fifteen seconds; if this dosage is exceeded, consult your local witch doctor. Use as directed.

NOTE: Improper use of this person may result in the Apocalypse according to Johannes.