The Writer
Bradley Sands

1.

Last year, Sleeping and Waking Up was on The New York Times’ bestsellers list for thirty-two consecutive weeks. The novel made the writer a lot of money. Sleeping and Waking Up was just the right book at just the right time. It was the time when houses were turning themselves inside out. Readers were looking for something simple to help them through the trauma. We wanted an eight hundred and sixty-two page description of a man sleeping. We wanted a four hundred and twelve page description of a man waking up. We did not want any artsie-fartsie bullshit about a man dreaming.

The citizens of the United States are a simple people.

The writer had already spent all of his royalties on deviated septums and showroom dummies. He was looking for an idea for a novel that would keep a tarp over his head and his belly full of fossils.

They can hear the lotto balls in the writer’s head churning next door.

They can hear the writer think, What if a man programs his VCR?

They do not pay attention to his next idea. They are too busy looking out the window. They see an alligator driving an army.

They can hear the writer think, What if a doctor gave a man a prostate exam?

They do not pay attention to his next idea. They are too busy looking out the window. They see a gang of top hats sexually harassing a feathered boa.

They can hear the writer think, What if a baby cries during the night? They do not pay attention to his next idea. They are too busy looking out the window. They see abominable snowmen enjoying the thrills of a water slide.

They can hear the writer think, What if a writer wakes up early in the morning to write a short story?

2.

The writer had woken up early in the morning to write a short story. It was about a plumber. The plumber was having a really bad day. He could not plunge a customer’s toilet. The toilet was filled with bowel movement. Bowl movement was the plumber’s arch-nemesis.

The story was called “The Plumber.”

The writer had woken up early to write sentences until either the plumber defeated his arch-nemesis or was defeated by his arch-nemesis.

The arch-nemesis was a very passive arch-nemesis. It did not attack. It did not threaten to take over the world. It was an ordinary bowel movement, as most bowl movements are.

The writer hoped the plumber would defeat his arch-nemesis. He also hoped the trees outside his home would stop raping his cocker spaniel. He’d been having trouble sleeping through her screams. The writer found this unacceptable. He needed his sleep. Without a good night’s sleep, he found it difficult to discover whether or not various blue collar workers were able to defeat their arch-nemesis.

There is a knock on the writer’s office door. The writer opens the door. The state of Virginia charges into the room.

The writer was afraid this would happen. The great state of Virginia charges into the writer’s office every day, but usually not until after 9 AM. This is why the writer woke up early to write his short story.

The writer says, “Now I won’t ever know if the writer defeats his arch-nemesis.” Then he removes a lasso from his desk drawer, ties a noose, puts his head in the noose, throws the other end of the lasso around the city of Richmond, and insults Virginia’s virtue.

Virginia is very offended. It is very angry. It jumps up and down in an attempt to work through its rage.

The writer gasps his last breath. The plumber will have to defeat his arch-nemesis without him.

Bradley Sands is the author of the novel, It Came from Below the Belt, and the editor of Bust Down the Door & Eat All the Chickens. His work has appeared in The Bizarro Starter Kit (Blue), Lamination Colony, No Colony, Opium Magazine, Robot Melon, decomP, susurrus, Thieves Jargon, and elsewhere. Visit him at www.bradleysands.com.