INSTANT MESSAGES = ART: A SERIES OF 11
Kevin L. Donihe with Pugnacious Jones
I. Status Set
pugnacious jones says:
testing.
pugnacious jones says:
are you there?
kevin says:
Test successful.
pugnacious jones says:
this messenger thing has been fucked up all day.
kevin says:
Really? Mine’s been fine … Or at least I think it’s fine. But what do I know?
pugnacious jones says:
earlier it said you were dead.
pugnacious jones says:
now your status is set to undulating.
II. Instant Messenger Blues
pugnacious jones says:
i have a confession to make — i lost my script.
kevin says:
I’ll have somebody send you a new one.
pugnacious jones says:
was that in the script? what am i supposed to say next?
kevin says:
I’m not in charge of that department. Sorry.
pugnacious jones says:
c’mon, man. help a brutha. this nigga needs the 411.
kevin says:
<whispering in ear> You’re reading from last week’s script.
III. Sign of the Times
pugnacious jones says:
it’s the end of the world as we know it. <reading the news>
kevin says:
“With every end comes a beginning and with every cheeseburger comes a side of fries” — Ghandi.
pugnacious jones says:
that’s incredibly profound. ghandi was a very wise man.
kevin says:
Indeed. He’s dead now ...
pugnacious jones says:
well, then, he’s a very wise dead man.
kevin says:
But since every end is a beginning, Ghandi is also a cheeseburger.
pugnacious jones says:
i see.
IV. After Making a Typo
kevin says:
My fingers slipped. Sorry, I’ll do better next time. Pinky-swear.
pugnacious jones says:
<snap>
kevin says:
Was that the sound of my pinky snapping?
pugnacious jones says:
yes it was.
V. Comic Strip
kevin says:
I just read the funny papers. Snuffy Smith is really good this time.
pugnacious jones says:
yeah, he’s always a hoot.
kevin says:
In this latest strip, Snuffy wrassled a pig until its head popped off and flew into his wife’s mouth. He was trying mouth-to-mouth resuscitation in the last panel. It wasn’t working.
pugnacious jones says:
gosh, that’s something — flying pig heads and such.
kevin says:
The strip was in Smell-o-Rama, too.
pugnacious jones says:
gosh, that’s something — smell-o-rama. funny papers really are something. so are flying pig heads and smell-o-rama. that’s what i’ve learned.
kevin says:
I have learned this too. We’re pretty wise.
pugnacious jones says:
there’s no escaping death. that’s something else i’ve learned.
VI. True or False
pugnacious jones says:
rumor has it you’re the illusive werekevin? any truth to that rumor?
kevin says:
<warrroooooo>
pugnacious jones says:
warrroooooo? don’t be retarded. you’re not fooling anyone. you’re no werekevin. you’re just a humongous bucket of eggs and meat.
kevin says:
<slosh>
VII. Antagonism
pugnacious jones says:
did you have any accidents today? please say no.
kevin says:
No.
pugnacious jones says:
be honest.
kevin says:
I am being honest.
pugnacious jones says:
come on. did ya poopy in the potty like i taught you or did ya poopy on floor like a puppy dog?
kevin says:
... haven’t I made myself abundantly clear? I DID NOT POOPY!!!
pugnacious jones says:
poopy! poopy!! POOPY!!!
kevin says:
If anyone took a poopy — it was YOU!
Pugnacious jones says:
hmmmm ... maybe you’re right.
kevin says:
That’s what I’ve been trying to say!
pugnacious jones says:
well, i’ll be. i’m proud of you, boy. so’s your momma. <stroking hair of desiccated corpse>
VIII. Dreaming the Dream
kevin says:
Imagine an American future composed entirely of a benevolent, scholarly, and wise ruling class, supervising and glorying in what I call: “God’s finest creation, the American farmer."
pugnacious jones says:
what the hell are you talking about? <vomiting profusely> <thrusting pelvis arrhythmically>
IX. Leadership Role
pugnacious jones says:
our esteemed president is in europe. i bet they love him there.
kevin says:
I heard he was there to ride ponies. Is that true?
pugnacious jones says:
i heard he was there to suck balls.
X. Too much
pugnacious jones says:
DOWNLOAD COPYRIGHTED MUSIC!!! SUCK IT NOW!!!
kevin says:
YEAH!!! PUT IT IN THE PLACE I LOVE SO WELL!!!
pugnacious jones says:
PUT IT IN THAT PLACE!!! MY ANUS!!! WHERE THE GODS SWELL AND BREATHE!!!
kevin says:
THAT WASN’T THE PLACE I WAS TALKING ABOUT!!!
pugnacious jones says:
SURE IT WAS!!! YOU’RE A WHORE OF THE DEVIL AND HIS CONCUBINE!!!
kevin says:
I AM MORE THAN THAT!!! I AM THE PRIZE-WINNING SCIENTIST WHO INVENTED DEATH AND CHEESE!!!
pugnacious jones says:
SUCKS TO YOUR PRIZES!!! JOY TO YOUR ORNAMENTAL VERNACULAR!!!
evin says:
PRAISE BE!!! PRAISE BE!!!
pugnacious jones says:
CHAINSAWS!!! PICTURES OF DEATH IN A PHONE BOOK!!! BLEEDING ULCERS ON A PLATTER!!! FISH GUTS!!! BLOODY DIARRHEA!!!
kevin says:
ROTTEN APPLES!!! BARREN FIELDS!!! WOMEN WEEP; MEN REND FLESH!!!
pugnacious jones says:
THE END OF THE WORLD IS AT HAND!!! FIRE POURS FROM THE SKY!!! BUILDINGS IMPLODE!!! CHILDREN GNASH BABY TEETH!!!
kevin says:
OLD MEN VOMIT IN BAGS!!! SOWS EAT DEAD SOULS!!!
pugnacious jones says:
AAAAAARRRRRRHHHHHHGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!
kevin says:
ANGUISH KNOWNS NO BOUNDARIES!!!!!
pugnacious jones says:
TORRENTS OF BLOOD — RAIN DOWN ON ME!!!
kevin says:
HALLELUJAH!!! HALLELUJAH!!! HALLELUJAH!!!
pugnacious jones says:
LET YOUR MOUTH EXPLODE IN GOUTS OF PRAISE!!!
kevin says:
This is getting out of hand. We should calm down. Maybe take a deep breath. <taking a deep breath>
XI. Coda
pugnacious jones says:
kevin? are you okay?
pugnacious jones says:
kevin! <removing axe from your cranium>
pugnacious jones says:
KEVIN!!! <licking your blood from the axe blade>
Kevin L. Donihe does not eat chimpanzees. In addition, he is the author of the Bizarro novels Shall We Gather at the Garden?, Grape City, The Greatest Fucking Moment in Sports and Ocean of Lard, the latter of which was co-written with Carlton Mellick III. Donihe is also the editor of Bare Bone, a series anthology published by Raw Dog Screaming Press. Read more about him at his official website and myspace page.
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