The bon Dieu
AD Dawson

A bar. Continental Europe. Two tables. One to the centre & the other to the side. An old man, wearing dark & crumpled clothing, sits at the side; he is drinking absinthe & is drunk. The bottle is on the table.

OLD MAN: (lifting his glass as if to toast) To the bon Dieu.

To the fucking bon Dieu, the bastard that he is. (drinks absinthe in one draught & slams glass down onto table. He pours himself another)

Enter Tizzy, English, middle-aged, middleclass, wearing a summer frock & carrying a handbag. She is annoyingly bright & breezy.

TIZZY: (overenthusiastically) Now this is what I would call authentic; this is just what I was looking for. (to old man) O hello there, sir, are you enjoying your afternoon drink?

OLD MAN: Go fuck yourself.

TIZZY: (sitting at centre table & facing us) I love it and they’ve even got a rude and drunken old man to boot.

It’s quite customary to sit in such an establishment without service for a while; I’ve read it in the guidebook

Enter waiter. Early 20s & good-looking. He is unseen by Tizzy. He comes up to her behind a orgasms. Tizzy is startled by his sudden presence.

TIZZY: My goodness; you quite gave me a start just then.

OLD MAN: The bon Dieu. Ha!

WAITER: I’m very sorry, madam, I didn’t mean to startle you.

TIZZY: (flustered) It’s all right, don’t worry about silly old me.

WAITER: What would you like me to get for you, madam?

TIZZY: Well, I hadn’t really thought about it; you came before I had the chance to think.

WAITER: (grasping testicles) Would you like me to go away and come later when you are more expecting it?

TIZZY: That won’t be necessary, I’ll have what that fellow over there is drinking; it looks nice and green.

WAITER: Really?

TIZZY: Is that a problem?

WAITER: Of course not, madam; nothing is too much trouble for you.

The waiter goes to the old man's table & rudely snatches up the bottle.

OLD MAN: Bastard!

WAITER: Watch your tongue, old man.

OLD MAN: The cunt that you are!

WAITER: I will ignore that remark lest I should have to kill you.

OLD MAN: Ha! If you should do me that favour I should be fucking pleased with you.

The waiter returns to Tizzy & places the bottle onto the tabletop.

TIZZY: Why thank you.

WAITER: I would recommend that you do not drink too much, madam, absinthe is very strong to someone not used to it. I’ll go and bring you a glass.

TIZZY: Thank you.

Waiter exits.

Tizzy picks up the bottle & sniffs at it.

TIZZY: (pushing bottle away) Wow! He is right; it does appear to be a potent brew.

OLD MAN: (to TIZZY) You are a fucking whore!

TIZZY: Charming I’m sure.

OLD MAN: Just like your whore of a grandmother; she used to suck the syphilitic cocks of the Nazis for her fill.

TIZZY: You knew my nanny? I think not, she never left good old Blighty

OLD MAN: Ha!

TIZZY: And ha right back to you too.

Enter waiter. He puts a glass down onto the table & pours absinthe into it.

WAITER: There you have it, madam. (rubs crotch) Is that how you like to take it? Or would you like ice with it?

TIZZY: To be truthful, I’m not too familiar with spirits of any kind.

WAITER: Please allow me then, madam. You shall have a little of your absinthe soaked into a sugar lump and then set to fire. I shall then stir it back into your glass and voila, with a little ice, it is ready to be taken (whispers) just like you, madam and up your tight little English bottom until you beg for me never to stop.

TIZZY: (clapping) Sounds delightful and so continental.

WAITER: I will go and get my preparations.

TIZZY: I will wait patiently.

Waiter exits.

Waiter enters. He violently & unexpectedly grabs hold of Tizzy, pulls her up from the seat & forces her face down onto the table.

TIZZY: What … what are you at? Leave me alone!

The waiter slaps Tizzy. She screams.

WAITER: Calm down, madam, we are all European nowadays.

TIZZY: Get off me, you garlic smelling pig!

The waiter lifts up Tizzy's dress & pulls down her knickers. Tizzy struggles but is ineffectual.

WAITER: I will be good to you madam; you should relax.

Tizzy sobs as the waiter pulls down his trousers and aggressively enters her. He fucks her. She cries out in pain with every stroke.

TIZZY: Help me! Help me please!

Tizzy faints & the waiter continues to fuck her.

OLD MAN: (standing) You should be fucking ashamed of yourself for your conduct.

WAITER: Why should I?

OLD MAN: Have you no respect?

WAITER: Why of course.

OLD MAN: I am your elder, it should have been I that was first in.

The waiter ignores the old man & continues.

OLD MAN: (getting up from his seat & going over to the table) I will show you what being a gentleman is about.

The old man picks up the bottle of absinthe & pours it over the back of the waiter.

WAITER: What is it you are at?

OLD MAN: (striking a match) Maybe I am at you, you selfish bastard.

The old man throws the match onto the waiter. The absinthe ignites & the waiter is engulfed into flames. The waiter screams out in agony & rapidly exits. We hear his screaming off for a few seconds & then it stops abruptly.

The old man goes around the back of Tizzy & performs cunnilingus upon her. He groans in pleasure.

OLD MAN: (lifting head) Humm so sweet tasting, I stopped him just in time. (lowers head & continues)

Tizzy regains consciousness & the old man moves away from her. He licks his lips intently.

TIZZY: (confused) What has happened? (pulls down dress) Where is the rapist bastard? I will tear him apart with my bare hands.

OLD MAN: It was I that saved you from the molestation of the waiter.

TIZZY: You saved me?

OLD MAN: And I took my prize.

The old man sticks out tongue & simulates cunnilingus.

TIZZY: I will report you to the authorities, the pair of you; you will be strung up for what you have done. Animals!

The old man shrugs & picks up bottle of absinthe.

OLD MAN: Here have a drink; that will make you have perspective.

The old man splashes absinthe onto Tizzy.

TIZZY: What are you doing? Are you mad?

The old man strikes a match.

TIZZY: Nooooo.

The old man throws the match onto Tizzy who is engulfed by flames. She exits rapidly & screaming. We hear the screaming for a few moments & it stops abruptly. The old man pours a drink.

OLD MAN: (raises glass) To the bon Dieu.

We hear the old man laughing for a few moments. The laughter peters out to sobbing. The sobbing ceases abruptly.

A.D. Dawson, otherwise known as the English Devil, lives in the heart of Sherwood Forest, Nottinghamshire. In his dramatic sketch, The Bon Dieu, he examines the uneasy alliances that have existed within Europe since its formation. A.D.’s short stories can be seen throughout the Internet and in print — most of his works are included in anthologies and feature regularly in webzines. Visit AD at www.dodsleypapers.piczo.com.